Finally Home

The last time I posted on my blog I was a distressed teen that had just come home from one of the most challenging, awarding, interesting years of her life. I am sitting here, almost 4 months later, with a whole different outlook. For some of you, it might seem strange the transition I went through. I might have seemed distant, confused, odd. But it was all a part of who I became; the healing process. If anyone is interested, I'll briefly describe this long process, this transition back into American life in the different phases I went through, so you can better understand what exchange students essentially have to go through.

• Land of the Free? Yeah, Okay...

First of all, my rage against society was off the wall. I was upset with the way we do things; the way we perceive people, our judgement of others, materialism. I was convinced that all our culture cared about were things that I found unneeded, and honestly a waste of time. Now I see I was being a bit to cynical, and that Europe is not perfect. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but in my clouded mind, everything and anything was better than here.

• From a Million to One

Another thing that I had to deal with when I got home was the lack of support I felt. Sometimes it felt that no one was listening; no one wanted the hear about the amazing experience I had just had. I had made all these amazing friends in Denmark, and then suddenly it was all ripped away and I was stuck back in a place where I honestly just didn't want to be. Sure, there were people who reached out to me, and I'm so thankful for that. But to my selfish mind, it wasn't okay for people who I truly thought were there for me to not want to hear about everything Danish. Now I understand that my thought process was a bit selfish. Yes, Europe was amazing. Yes, maybe it would have been nice to have a few more people that stood by me. But in the year I was away, other people had a life, too. Amazing things happened to them and it wasn't right for me to expect them to listen to my triumphs when I hadn't listened to theirs. Of course, I need to take the time to publicly thank the few who stuck around even when they should have ran... very, very far from me during frustrating times. Sarah, even from thousands of miles away, you've been there to listen through all hours of the night. You are my best friend, my rock, and my sister. I am so thankful I met you in that bathroom! :) Shelby, you are an absolute peach for taking me in and staying by me/supporting my decisions no matter what. You have a beautiful soul and I am so thankful for you. To both my real sister, Ali, and my host sister, Duda from Brazil, thanks for making me laugh, for dancing your way into my heart, and showing me that family means everything. Also, a special, special thanks to Nathan, because after all we've been through, you've picked me up and never let me go. You've seen me at my worst, yet still treat me like I'm at my best. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you, but you have touched my heart and wrote yourself into the very seams of my being. And last but certainly not least, thank you to my parents for raising me to be who I am. Thank you for holding me when I cry, for giving me confidence even when I was at the lowest of the low, and loving me no matter what I do to defy that. I love every single one of these people for who they are, what they've done for me, and what they have taught me about myself. 

• School Shmool 

A year of being away from American High School changes a person. But it's coming back that tests that change more than anything. In Denmark, I had the freedom to use the bathroom without a pass, to leave school without a note, and the opportunity to buy REAL food at school (unlike the cafeteria sludge they serve at most American High Schools). I had a choice for everything I did at school. Of course I had to deal with the consequences of these choices, but at least I was bestowed the trust to do so. When I got home, school felt like a prison. I thought that I was being dictated over the silliest things: "Oh, I can't use the bathroom right now? But why?" "I have to have parent consent to leave school even though I am almost an adult, I can drive, AND I have a job?" "What do you mean I have to have a pass? I'm just trying to get to class to learn!" School was overwhelming and not to my taste. I wish I could say that I have adjusted to this completely, but sadly, I have not.... I am getting better though!

• There May Just Be a Happy Ending 

The struggle to fit in, adjust back to my life here, find who I am, and try to become a full-fledged adult as been rough on me. Sometimes I felt like I was in the deepest rut; stuck in a place that was thousands of miles away in my twisted

reality. It has taken 4 months, a published poem, an internship offer, college applications, good people and some confidence to finally feel like I am present in Alaska. I now feel clarity; I feel that a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am off to bigger and better things soon, and I couldn't be happier. 

• So.... Where Does the Road Lead?

As I mentioned, two major things have recently happened that have changed my life around.

1. My poem "Coffee" (which can be seen in my last post) was chosen as a topical winner for the Live Poets Society of NJ competition that was held in the Fall of 2014. When I submitted my poem in September, I wasn't even thinking it was possible to win because it was open to all High School students in America... the competition level seemed way too high. To my surprise, the judges contacted me and told me that my poem had been selected to appear in the Just Poetry magazine for teens under the "Of Love and Dedication" category. The magazine is scheduled to appear Dec. 15, 2014. I am beyond excited!
2. I was offered an internship in LA with the one and only Erin Gruwell from the Freedom Writers and The Freedom Writers Foundation. She came up to Alaska to speak to the Matsu Valley about how important building connections and offering inspiration to children can help change their lives for the better. My father is a Freedom Writers teacher through the foundation, so they have known each other since around 2007. Erin came over to our house for dinner during her stay in Alaska, and we instantly hit it off. She is amazing; a true inspiration that catches your attention and your heart. She is one of those people that humanity often talks about: she is a rare soul that aims to improve quality of life for anyone and everyone she meets, no matter what the cost or benefit. Anyway, her assistant Grace mentioned to me about doing an internship with her this summer in LA, where I can see and experience all that they do for the education system in America. If all goes well, I'll be heading down to sunny Cali to develop my skills I hope to use to acquire my English major, and to also feed this passion to learn from an inspiration such as Erin herself. 

So there you have it; the last 4 months in a nutshell. As I'm finishing this post, I am honestly wondering if anyone bothers to read this anymore.. If you've gotten this far, you have just learned everything that goes on in my mind and in my life. I hope that this information is rewarding to some, and helpful to others. It is a way for me to get my thoughts out, because I always feel better and am able to think clearer when I can see the written word silently forming in front of me. It is calming; soothing to the madness that sometimes occurs inside my mind. Thank you for reading, feel free to contact me if you have any questions about me, my poem, or anything else for that matter. As I always say, exchange taught me to tolerate and accept everyone; no matter who they are. Your opinion matters, YOU matter. Just in case any of you forgot :)

xoxo stay tuned for more coming SOOON