For the Sleepless Ones

This post is not about exchange, or anything in particular really. I'm having one of those days that goes by slow; the kind that consumes you until you lose track of time and can't even register where you are anymore. Maybe it's because I still feel a little lost; not really knowing what I'm meant to be doing all the time. Or maybe it's because thoughts of familiar and unfamiliar places stir up my mind until I can no longer think. Whatever it is, it's got me in the mood to write. It's got me in the mood to share the deepest corners of my mind. Hunger of what I do not have: it's a powerful thing. It's got me up at all hours, reading, writing poetry, watching old films about places I've never even heard of. Maybe you'd enjoy a poem I've written, maybe not. But at least it'll be here; seen. You can drink up my words if you wish, let it settle. Decode it's meaning; for there are thousands of possibilities of what it could be. Even I do not know the real cause.. Like so many things in life it is unknown, not shown, but there, somewhere.


Coffee

you were black,
soulless;
round
around the edges,
coffee stained
pages

I cradle you
in my hands,
bring you up
to my lips
contemplate.
breathe you in,
only for a second

but you scold my tongue,
keep me wordless
burnt,
bottomless
like the coffee
you drink

day after day
I wake you

make you
crave me
yearn
for just another sip

a sip of what?
the unknown,
endless mystery

you stir me up
but just a bit
you drink me in,
then I'm gone

like your
morning coffee.


- Mariana Marvel, 2014

inspired by coffee shops in London & those rainy days that aren't really weather related at all

For the Love & the Loss

The last time I opened up my blog was in May. Not to say that I haven't thought about it. I will get random thoughts that I ache to write somewhere; maybe here. I feel like this is a lost art; something I used to love so much but got tired of.  I've even tried writing posts about the countries I traveled to this summer. I'll get about a half a page into it and then all inspiration leaves me. I have about 4 drafts saved, none published. What does that tell you about me? Lots. Let me explain:


I have been home for 1 month and 5 days. I stepped off that plane and almost turned right back around. There is so much to say, so much I want someone, anyone, to know. How do you truly ever leave a place? I feel clouded, foggy even. I've been in school for less than 2 weeks and I'm already driving myself into the depths of insanity wishing I could get out. I came home to a loving family and a few good friends who were full of questions. But as the days dwindled on, so did the memory of Denmark. People don't ask. They figure since I have been home so long that maybe I have forgotten too. But I haven't. It's all I am these days: stories mixed with the extreme desire to get back to what I feel I have lost.

I am a ghost. Stuck between two places: here and Denmark. I think back to the person I was. I see her clothes in  my closet, all of her favorite hobbies and past times. I live in her bedroom, I surround myself with her peers. That is still me, yet in some way it is not. The challenges I have faced changed the way I view things. I am no longer scared of the unknown, but rather so desperate to plunge into its' depths. I cannot pretend that I am completely happy in this town that lives and dwells between the mountains. I am slightly content in the simplest of terms; and so grateful for my friends and family. But when I am alone, my mind explodes with wonder. With hope; hope that someday I will once again be able to see colored houses resting upon rolling hills, the Danish countryside forever etched in the corners of my mind. Those of you who know me know how much I have been struggling lately. Thank you for checking up on me, dealing with my intense longing for a place you have never seen. Thank you for holding me as I cry for people who you have never met. For showing up at all hours of the day to watch my favorite movies and listen to my ramblings. I could tell the same story 20 times and it would still be alright for those of you closest to me. You have made me realize how precious time is, yet how evil it is also. We as human beings are made up of time. An internal clock that ticks each time we take a breath, each time we whisper, move even an inch. Thank you a thousand times over for sharing your time with me; tiding me over until the day my time comes to return to my beautiful, sought-after Denmark.

this one's for you, gaga x2

keep wandering.

Letting Go

Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I love to write. Maybe it is a little cliché, but it always helps me to think clearly after I've written..

Sometimes when I'm having a particularly hard time, I write about my feelings.. Being an exchange student entitles one to high emotions. All the new people, places, routines, the thought of goodbyes (maybe even forever) looming in the distance. It's all things I know well. I make it seem that all the people I've met this year have been amazing, and I will admit that more than half of them have been. But in life isn't all smiles, there are hard times. There are people who you simply just don't belong with, and that's something that I've always known. But being away in a different country has really taught me the complexity of it all. Yes, there will be people that hurt you, and everyone who you'll probably ever meet will tell you to just forget about them. But is it really that easy to forget? Is the human mind really meant to forget? I've learned many things about myself, but lately the most important thing I've learned is  how my mind works.  I really take everything in my life to the heart, even the bad. Some may tell you to focus on only the positive things that are happening, but for me it doesn't work that way. Something in the back of my head always tells me to hold on, even to the negative. As much as I try, I cannot erase the challenges. They are there, taunting me and waiting for my next move.. So my dear readers, let me ask you this: Are we meant to forget all the times we've felt homesick, alone, tired? Where would we be if we hadn't felt the longing for home or some other comfort? We're not perfect; so why do our days have to be perfect as well?

It's time to let go of the doubts that you're not living everyday to the fullest just because you didn't have the best day. So here I am, letting go. Maybe you should, too. We are here, we are breathing, there's a world to explore and we have the feet to take us there. As the summer draws closer, the need for simplicity becomes greater. Here's a little hello from the simpler side of me; happy and letting go.

(for those of you want to hear about my exchange adventures, please stay tuned.. I promise a post is coming soon!)

xoxo

Spring in Denmark

It seems just like yesterday that I was sitting down trying to think of what to write about back in March… it always amazes me how fast time goes by when you're busy.

So much has happened in the beautiful month of April… tragedy, loss, growth, memories, flowers, walks on the beach, friends and family. It's been an interesting time for me, but it has shown me a new side of myself I have never seen.


On March 16th, I moved into my final host family's house. It was slightly  stressful to pack  because the amount of stuff I have accumulated is outrageous and unbelievable. The move went well, but I couldn't help but feel this weird sort of silence that I always feel when I switch host families.. It reminds me of the calmness one feels before a huge storm. Deep in my heart I know that that chapter of my life is over, and that even if I come back to the same house, and the same people, it won't be the same as it once was. It's just little things; like the way the kitchen looks in the morning; dark but with the faint light of  winter gleaming from outside. Coming back in the spring is completely different. That same  morning light shines through, but it's earlier and brighter than before, and therefore it shows you things the morning has never offered you in the past. It's all wrong. It doesn't match my memory.. but memories are memories, and even though things change, my memories will always be the same.


The first week at my new host family was really good. I got settled in and started trying to make a routine for myself. Things were mostly normal, except that my host dad's mom was in the hospital. No one paid much mind to it, because we all just assumed it would be okay. But as it so often goes, assumptions are not always right.. Every time we visited her she seemed to get smaller and smaller. She was the sweetest women; always bright eyed even when she was in that hospital bed. I think that's why it was so startling to see her in that deep sleep; dreaming in the ICU with all those machines chattering and cold air pricking warm skin. Every night my host dad would come home and we'd all say "She'll be okay." It became second nature to say it; a safety net that we clung to in hope that things would just be normal again. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way. She was taken too early, and even though she wasn't my blood relative and I had only been living with them for 3 weeks when it happened, I felt the loss as if it were my own to feel. It's incredible what death does to people. I believe it can either bring out the good or the bad in a person's character, and I was lucky enough to encounter the first. After what happened, I think we all sort of relied on each other. My host mom, host dad and I. I think it was around that time that I started calling them Mor og Far (mom and dad). It was a shame that the world lost her, but I feel that often death offers something in return. Even though it's small and can never amount to the love that my host grandma gave, it is something none the less. It's different for everyone, but for me, it was the relationship I gained with my host family. I can honestly say we have a strong bond now, because I have seen what they are like when things are at the lowest point. Challenging times show what someone is really like, and I am so lucky and proud to say that my host parents are both so strong, genuine and kind.


During the Easter Break, my two friends Andrew and Holly came to visit me. They are also exchange students in Denmark, from New York and Nevada. It was so great to see them! We went exploring in Aarhus, found a traveling circus with elephants, visited an art museum and a World War 2 bunker left by the Germans in my town. Having them visit me was just another beautiful reminder of all the wonderful lifelong friends I have made this year.

I also got the opportunity to go on a sailing trip with one of the other exchange students in my town. Her name is Milly and she's from New Zealand, and she is absolutely lovely. Her host family took us out on their little sail boat, and we sailed to this little island called Endenlaven…. There were only about 180 people living there, and the rest of the island's inhabitants were rabbits. (so many!). We were blessed with beautiful weather. The sun was shining the whole time, and I am happy to say I got a little tan! :) Milly and I walked around the island, picked daisies near the beach, took pictures and then went back to the boat and talked and soaked up the sun. Later we went to dinner with her host family, were we ate traditional Danish food and encountered a drunk old woman who desperately wanted to bring her cat into the restaurant.. She was not too happy when the owner declined her wishes. That night, I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. It was like cotton candy, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself in it's pink softness and take a long nap. It hung over the sea like a blanket, and stayed there for a surprising long time. It was like it didn't want to leave us; like the setting sun needed our company just as much as we needed it. After that we spent the night in the boat, where Milly and I talked until late in the night. I've decided Milly is just the best, and I am so happy I got to share that experience with her.

Spring in Denmark has been so lovely. The air is getting warmer, the sun stays out longer, and the flowers are starting to bloom one at a time. Summer is almost here; you can feel it. There's a sort of excitement that wasn't here before, the kind that washes over you in the best way. Will I ever be able to express just how happy and thankful I am to live in this glorious place? Maybe not, but I know in my heart that it's true, and that's good enough for me at the moment.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for a post about Spain and my birthday adventures. I should have it up in the next couple days :)


xoxo from Denmark

Halfway Home

Hello beautiful people,



It's been about a month since I last checked in (4 weeks to be exact), so I thought I'd fill you in on my life as of lately.


First of all, I should address the looming questions that keeps getting thrown at me and how I feel about them.

"Have you picked your return date yet?"
"What day would you like to return?"
"Whoa, only 4 months left! You scared?"


"No"
"Never"
"Is this even a valid question?... Of course!"


My sixth months in Denmark has come and gone, and I am quickly approaching the dreaded 7 month mark. The thought of it is more terrifying than anything I have ever encountered before. There are multiple reasons for my fear. 1. It means I have to go home. 2. Going home means leaving all my wonderful friends and my three families. 3. Danish is a pretty cool language, and I know for a fact that not many people speak it in Alaska.. which makes me sad.

So there you have it. The three, boldly marked reasons why I have nightmares about plane tickets and return dates. Of course I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends, but I feel a bit torn. I am living in a world right now where I am (for the most part) independent, able to make my own (smart) decisions, and most importantly, spending every day in a completely different culture than I was brought up in ( which I LOVE). The thing that scares me most attaining the ability to somehow mash these two worlds together: 16 year old Mari who wears denim jeans everyday and still relies on Mom to cook something for her,
and almost 17 year old Mari (yes, that's really happening) who has adopted many of her own character traits/different styles simply because living abroad has challenged her to do so, and who cooks dinner every Tuesday night for the family. Is that even possible?

I know what you're thinking: I should probably just forget about all this and appreciate the moments I have left.. but it's coming sooner than I think I realize. I hope that sometime between now and July 20th (the dreaded estimated return date; because "never" isn't actually marked on the calendar.. Weird, right?) I can somehow wrap my head around all this and find a way to have some peace of mind.


Anyway, my life has been pretty busy. I spend a lot of my time with the lovely Sarah Aaen, doing various things like sophisticatedly sipping carmel macchiatos in the city, casually blowing all our money on clothes we want but probably don't need, watching romantic comedies until we fall asleep, and basically just spending as much time as we can soak up before I leave. I am so lucky to have found my best friend on exchange, and I refuse to think about having to go a day without seeing her. I am actually secretly contemplating trying to fit her in my suitcase.. but more on that later.

Besides spending time with Sarah, I also play basketball with a coed team in Silkeborg. It's just for fun, but it's also been really fantastic because I have been able to meet a lot of great people from it.

I mentioned above that I have to cook every Tuesday night for my host family. I am very grateful for that because it has taught me so much! I now feel comfortable enough to cook for more people than just myself, which I'm sure my mom will love when I get home.

Speaking of my host family, I switch families for the last time this weekend. Yet another realization of just how fast this year is going by…. When I look back to when I changed host families last time, I feel like I am looking into someone else's life. How could that be me? I feel so different now. I know I have changed so much; grown in fact. And I can't thank all the people who have been here for me enough for that. My three wonderful host families, class 1t (especially the beautiful Juline), the other lovely exchange students, my Rotary club, and various other great people I have encountered these past months. I guess I should just enjoy these moments.. what else can I do?

Thanks for reading

xoxo fra Danmark

Change

It's me again,


This post won't necessarily be about the events of this past week, but more of a comfort to me and my struggles. You see, writing makes me feel so much better, and it helps to lay out exactly what I am thinking. What am I thinking about now? Change.



Someone very close to me told me yesterday that I have changed. It made me question whether change is a good thing or bad thing.. The way it was told to me to me yesterday was that it was a bad thing. Changing from my old self into what I am today.. I am a different girl than I was 5 months ago. My opinions are different, the way I think is different. But is that really a bad thing? Do I really think that the "old me" is better than who I am today?

The answer is no.

I have realized that there is no 'old me' or a 'new me'… I am still Mari, I have just grown up. I voice my opinions now, I am not afraid to tell people what's on my mind. I have learned to communicate my feelings in a way that most people can appreciate and understand. I have learned to accept others' differences, and I have even taken on learning a completely new language; to become a part of another culture. Why do we always think change is a bad thing? Change is inevitable. Just look at the clothes you wore a year ago. Do you still wear them? Is your hair the same? Your house? I bet there is something different. Added or lost, it is still change. There is no way around it, so the best thing to do is accept that things will never be exactly the same as they were. We as human beings are a changing species; that's the way it's always been and always will be. Look at the good that's come with change. We as a whole are more open minded than we were a 100 years ago. We are (for the most part) a more accepting race, and therefore the world is a better place to live in. One thing that exchange has taught me is that you have to roll with the punches. Nothing is good or bad; just different.  Yes, I've changed. And so have you. I love who I am, flaws and all. Going on exchange was the best  decision I have ever made, and if it's changed me, then so be it. Never again will I think any type of change is a bad thing.. No matter what has happened, it makes you who you are, and there is always the same amount (or maybe even more) room for positive change than negative change. If there's anyone out there reading this right now, I hope you're reminded that no one can use 'you've changed' to put you down. Don't take it negatively; because it is true. Take it as a compliment, because chances are you're more wise and experienced in life than you were a year ago.

I have six more months in Denmark, and I bet you anything that I will grow from now until then. And you know what? I'm excited to see what these months will turn me into. I am ready to embrace the changes that will occur.. And I will know all the while that only I can decided whether it is good or bad.


So here's to change.

Thanks for reading 

xoxo fra Danmark

Oh, Nostalgia..

hej igen,


This last week was officially my 5 months in Denmark.. that means that half of my exchange is over. How can this be? It seems just like yesterday I was finding out my country…


I think this is rather fitting to talk about because the new outbound exchange students from my district back home are getting ready to find out their countries for this next year. Looking back, I feel so much different than I used to be.

I remember sitting in my polka dot dress, nervously twisting the ring on my finger wondering where I could possibly end up in the year 2014. Well, here I am in the glorious country that is Denmark, and I can honestly tell you I never want to leave. Personally,  I know I have changed. I believe I have become more openminded and adventurous, and of course more independent. Where would I be without Denmark? I could well possibly be back in Palmer, Alaska, doing the same old things I've always done; the only difference being that I would be just a little older.

But instead, I am speaking a language I had actually never heard spoken until a year ago. I wouldn't be riding trains, traveling to different countries like Sweden and Germany with 3 families that will now always be a  part of my heart. It is incredible to me how fast these 5 months have gone by… I have already made life long friends, been through my fair share of struggles and funny adventures, and there is still 6 months to do more. For now I guess I'll just have to take it day by day, savoring each moment to its' fullest extent.

I guess it is really true that going on exchange is not a year in your life, but a life in a year. I firmly believe this now, and I will cherish all the amazing times of my exchange with every part of myself.

Enough of all this nostalgia; it's only January! Now I would like to tell you a little about my plans for my remaining months in Denmark.

My friend Sarah (yes, I think I've written about her before) have made a list of things we want to do together before I leave. They are just typical things; like watching certain movies, taking a beach trip in the summer, etc., but I know they will be special because they will be spent with someone who I fully believe is my long lost sister :).

Along with the list, I will be taking a series of lovely trips around Europe! For instance, I will be going on a trip to Spain on my birthday (April 23rd for those of you who don't know) for 4 days with my Spanish class from school. I am really excited! I have wanted to go to Spain for sometime because of it's rich, exotic culture, which makes it seem extremely appealing. Plus, it makes it that much better because it will be on my birthday :)

I will also be going on EuroTour with my Rotary district in Denmark on May 23rd. I believe there will be about 40 exchange students participating, and we will take a bus for 3 weeks all throughout Europe. I know for a fact that this will be one of the most amazing experiences of my life because we are traveling to not only some of the biggest cities in Europe, but the smaller ones as well. I think this is very important because there is often just as much history and culture in the small cities as the big cities, but you could never know that until you visit them. I have included a map of the route we are taking so you can see where we will be visiting.

EuroTour and my trip to Spain aren't for another 4 months or so, so until then I will continue to live happily and blissfully in Denmark :) Until next time!

xoxo fra Danmark